I am in mourning today
for my old life:
myopic, dysfunctional,
and exhausting.
It’s a surprise, actually.
I am proud
of the work I did
to clear my present
of ancient piles of debris.
I thought I’d be happy,
throw a party,
offer a champagne toast to the old:
“Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on your way out!”
I deserve a celebration,
after all the hard work it took to get me here.
Ready to move on,
I even have maps to show me the way forward.
But I look upon this new space
that is my life,
sparkling clean with room for anticipation,
and space for opportunity
yet all I feel
is emptiness.
So, I sit here
wrapped in confused sadness,
yearning for familiarity.
Looking for comfort,
I pull on past behaviors
like a favorite pair of jeans,
but I what I find is tattered and torn.
The worn-out fabric could not hold up
to the hard work of my healing.
I’m left with my ass hanging out.
This is not at all what I wanted.
I take a deep breath
and set them all aside,
my jeans,
my confusion,
and my past.
Turning to my future,
map in hand,
I am now ready for that champagne!
