The Toast

I am in mourning today

for my old life:

myopic, dysfunctional,

and exhausting.


It’s a surprise, actually.


I am proud

of the work I did

to clear my present

of ancient piles of debris.


I thought I’d be happy,

throw a party,

offer a champagne toast to the old:

Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on your way out!”


I deserve a celebration,

after all the hard work it took to get me here.


Ready to move on,

I even have maps to show me the way forward.


But I look upon this new space

that is my life,

sparkling clean with room for anticipation,

and space for opportunity

yet all I feel

is emptiness.


So, I sit here

wrapped in confused sadness,

yearning for familiarity.


Looking for comfort,

I pull on past behaviors

like a favorite pair of jeans,

but I what I find is tattered and torn.


The worn out fabric could not hold up

to the hard work of my healing.


I’m left with my ass hanging out.


This is not at all what I wanted.


I take a deep breath

and set them all aside,

my jeans,

my confusion,

and my past.

Turning to my future,

map in hand,

I am now ready for that champagne!