The Toast

I am in mourning today

for my old life:

myopic, dysfunctional,

and exhausting.

It’s a surprise, actually.

I am proud

of the work I did

to clear my present

of ancient piles of debris.

I thought I’d be happy,

throw a party,

offer a champagne toast to the old:

Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on your way out!”

I deserve a celebration,

after all the hard work it took to get me here.

Ready to move on,

I even have maps to show me the way forward.

But I look upon this new space

that is my life,

sparkling clean with room for anticipation,

and space for opportunity

yet all I feel

is emptiness.

So, I sit here

wrapped in confused sadness,

yearning for familiarity.

Looking for comfort,

I pull on past behaviors

like a favorite pair of jeans,

but I what I find is tattered and torn.

The worn-out fabric could not hold up

to the hard work of my healing.

I’m left with my ass hanging out.

This is not at all what I wanted.

I take a deep breath

and set them all aside,

my jeans,

my confusion,

and my past.

Turning to my future,

map in hand,

I am now ready for that champagne!