I am in mourning today
for my old life:
myopic, dysfunctional,
and exhausting.
It’s a surprise, actually.
I am proud
of the work I did
to clear my present
of ancient piles of debris.
I thought I’d be happy,
throw a party,
offer a champagne toast to the old:
“Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on your way out!”
I deserve a celebration,
after all the hard work it took to get me here.
Ready to move on,
I even have maps to show me the way forward.
But I look upon this new space
that is my life,
sparkling clean with room for anticipation,
and space for opportunity
yet all I feel
is emptiness.
So, I sit here
wrapped in confused sadness,
yearning for familiarity.
Looking for comfort,
I pull on past behaviors
like a favorite pair of jeans,
but I what I find is tattered and torn.
The worn out fabric could not hold up
to the hard work of my healing.
I’m left with my ass hanging out.
This is not at all what I wanted.
I take a deep breath
and set them all aside,
my jeans,
my confusion,
and my past.
Turning to my future,
map in hand,
I am now ready for that champagne!
